Dear Adventurers, Hobbits, and human-folk alike…
I think that the blogging community has had enough blog posts about how to maintain a good blog, how to write quality posts, how to produce good photography, and how to gain followers. Seriously, we put too much pressure on ourselves. We’re humans, and sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves. We need the freedom to laugh at our own fixation upon being like everyone else. See, everyone tells you how to be a good blogger, but there is a huge deficit in peoples’ advice about how to be a bad blogger. So I am taking up the challenge to reduce this deficit. Below is a step-by-step guide to help you navigate the difficult maze of being a bad blogger.
1. Post only once a month. Or once every two months. While doing this, begin each post with “I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in so long. I am a despicable human being for doing so. I have forsaken the trust of my whole 11 followers, who wait so expectantly for my posts, constantly wonder why I’m not posting, and are disappointed every day when they check their inbox and no notification has arrived from my blog. I AM A FAILURE AT LIFE, and I will now slouch here and apologetically hammer out of post that I care nothing, just to make up for my despicable delinquency.
2. Publish a draft. As in, somehow, while you are writing at post, let Devious WordPress poke the “publish” button with its little finger, when there are still mini notes to yourself inserted into the text (e.g. “This is stupid; reword.” “Insert link here.” “CREATE SMOOTH TRANSITIONS, you idiotic writer!”), along with glaring punctuation and grammar errors, half-finished sentences, and awkward paragraphs. Afterwards, bemoan your stupidity for letting your whole 11 followers see your imbecility, and bang your head against the keyboard in utter despondency. (If any of you were unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse my “Sacred Commute” post the other day, before I managed to delete it, I sincerely apologize. I blame WordPress).
3. Forget to reply to comments. You finally receive a comment from one of your 11.5 followers. Your response, as a bad blogger, should be? Do a happy dance. Jump up and touch the ceiling. Bake a celebration cake, light it with 25 candles (to signify the 25 posts that you have written before finally getting that first comment), extinguish the fire that you accidentally start in the napkin basket, and blow out the candles. Immediately afterward, forget to “like” or reply to the comment. Or, immediately reply to it, doing your best to sounding like a drooling, thankful blogger (E.g. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMMENTING ON MY BLOG. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME. YOU HAVE MY SINCERE THANKS FOR READING MY PUNY WORDS AND ACKNOWLEDGING MY PITIFUL EXISTENCE ON THE INTERNET. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 ) Then, after they reply to your comment, utterly forget to follow up by replying to their 2nd comment.
4. Never post pictures with your blog posts. People are often visual processors. Blocks of words are boring; especially if you like the technique described in #5. To adhere to the standards of bad-blogging, never post pictures, in order to catch the attention of readers. Or, just succumb to fear that your blocks-of-words posts will be abhorred by readers, and insert the first random picture that you find on Google, giving no thought to photo copyrights.
5. Write “Novel-posts.” By this, I mean posts that could be polished up, submitted to a publisher, and printed as their own novels. Employ this method, especially if you like to use the technique described in #4.
6. Bemoan your bad-blogger-blight. The most efficient method for this is comparing your blog to other blogs. Their beautiful, colorful, eye-catching page format vs. your glaring-solid-block-of-color-background (which you chose because it was the best one you could find that didn’t cost you 8 fingers, a kidney, all of your plasma, and your life savings in nickels). Their scheduled 3-times-a-week posts vs. your haphazard once-a-month entry. Their 10-zillion comments vs. Your big, fat zero. Their million connections (blog hops, collaborations, and guest posts) within the blogging world vs. your sitting-alone-on-the-swingset in the elementary school playground that is the blogging universe.
Well, there you have it. The reader will surely notice that the pictures within this post are not my own (taken from Google, in fact, although they are cited), that the post is decently long, and that I didn’t post at all during the month of January. The only assurance that I can give you, dear friends, is this: Read my blog, and it will be clear that I preach what I practice. What else can I say? Come along with me and join the band of bad bloggers. Yes, we sit on the lonely swing-sets and dangle our feet over the footprint-smudged-sand, but we aren’t the only ones, and we always welcome company. 🙂
An aside: I must say that I enjoyed wasting time on Google, searching for the animal pictures in this post. 🙂