.. And there is much to be said.
I know: I haven’t written in about 4 months. Writing anything– blog, stories, poetry, etc.– has been really difficult to go through with. But I have a valid excuse. I had some very important things that needed to be said to some very important people in my life– difficult, painful things– and I couldn’t pour out my thoughts and heart to public readers until I was willing to be open with those closest to me.
So, I said those important things.
In a coffeeshop in the last hours of 2015, I rid myself of burdensome words in a 17-page-letter to a very close friend– a letter that catalyzed a heartbreaking but necessary rift in our friendship.
I sat down with family members, and was honest about my current place in life: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The silence hurt.
I called a long-distance friend, to be very honest about truths I had been afraid of speak.
And, what’s funny is that these past months have shown me that tension in relationships with people is a good and natural thing. As my dad mentioned to me once, even the muscles in our bodies wouldn’t operate without tension, for any bodily movement requires the relaxing of one muscle and the tensing of another. In the same way, we could never grow or learn or move forward or really accomplish anything without having to work through tension.
So, that 17 page letter did spark a deep rift, but that deep rift has ever-so-gradually been closing, through back-and-forth emails every couple week. It has been a process of getting to know each other, outside of our bitterness and mistakes, all over again.
And I can honestly say that I am the closest to and most open with my family that I have ever been.
And my calls with my long-distance friend are gradually becoming more open, honest, and encouraging.
That time of words-not-coming is now basically past. Words have been spoken to people, and I feel much more able to move forward with life, relationships, and goals for the future. Although change and growth are slow, step-by- step journeys, I am ready to journey, especially through returning to writing in various forms. Writing will serve as a way to continue to repair and strengthen strained relationships with people, but also a way to work through my thoughts.
There is much that I have to say. Story ideas are forming. Thoughts and reflections on things I have recently learned are piling up in my “drafts” box and mind. And I’m a little less afraid to be honest here: honest about where I am, about the things that are most important to me, about the things that I believe in most strongly.
The truth is that, though I do write with certain people in mind, this blog is not customized as an indirect message to certain people in my life. Yes, people that I know personally do read it, but I can’t write specifically for them. Some of the blogs that have touched me the most are the bold ones, which are brutally and messily honest about thoughts, emotions, and experiences. They are the true storytellers, and their stories are the ones that touch people’s hearts.
So, in an attempt to restart this blog and my writing in general, I will try to be more honest. Not so ambitious in the things I cover in my posts. Post more frequently, about small revelations and occurrences in life, told through the lens of a storyteller. Bring up topics that I think are very important, as a way to stir intelligent discussion and understanding between people. The things I talk about, and the way I talk about them, may shift. But change is welcome here.
Thanks to all you faithful readers for sticking with me through four months of silence. I’m back, and there is much to be said. So, here’s to more writing to come…to honesty, to everyday life, to conversation, and to living creatively in the midst of reality.